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IMOGEN ;; « Thread Started on Oct 6, 2008, 12:47pm »
Hey there Imogen. ^_^ I know your roleplaying style pretty well, but lets go over your sample anyways, okay?
Quote:
Maria sat in her bed the tears pouring from her eyes. She pulled out the damp letter again and re-read it. Nothing had changed. It had just made her feel worse. How could he do that to her? After everything they had been through he was still leaving her to go to Africa. Forever.
Was this because she had aborted his baby? Or because she had become pregnant in the first place? She was only sixteen and it was her body didn't she have the right to do what she wanted to it? Hadn't it been hard enough to get rid of the baby and he hadn't even supported her!
Anger boiled up inside her now the tears were still falling thick and fast though she was more angry than upset now. All the unanswered questions were making her confused and tired. She pushed her beautiful, curly, black hair from her eyes, placed the letter carefully inside her favorite book and curled up in a ball on her bed, cuddling the teddy that said "I love you" which Paul had given her for valentines day only two weeks ago.
This is a pretty good post! There are a couple of little things that I would add though. What does her room look like? Add some physical descriptions so that we can know more about her world. What color is the teddy bear, for example.
Anyways, what do you think that you need to improve? We can go from there.
Okay, so let's start by writing something. Your character is a twelve year old boy who gets bullied alot. In the post right before this, an older girl has taken your glasses and she is threatening to smash them.
Joined: Aug 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 14 Location: Here, School & Scotland Karma: 2
Re: IMOGEN ;; « Reply #3 on Oct 8, 2008, 7:17am »
"No! give me them back please give me them back!" Jack jumped up trying to reach the glasses again and again each time he got any closer they were pulled higher. "Please! I can't see without them!" he yelled. But he knew it was no use.
The other kids jeers and cat calls rang through his ears making him angry. Then with no sudden warning tears started to pour from his eyes. Hot white tears. He stopped jumping and started to wipe them away with the grubby sleeve of his black jumper.
He looked around wondering where on earth the teachers where. Surely they had noticed that everyone was standing in a circle and cheering on the school bully. Surely they could hear her torments and that shrill laughter which went through you. All the teachers knew that laugh. It was her signature. The evil cruel bully's signature.
Then the tears stopped. The anger that had built up inside him from years seemed to be taking control. He couldn't stop his feet from stomping over to her. But he must! It wasn't like him the teachers would never understand. They didn't care.
The small voice in the back of his head seemed to stop at these words. He stopped walking towards her and with a last fleeting look, turned around and ran away. Leaving his thick rimmed glasses and the staring crowd behind.
Good! ^_^ Imogen, no one give you a proper chance I think. Let's take this post and flesh out each paragraph a bit more. I'd like to see a couple of more sentences to each one.
What does Jack look like? What about the bully? Tell us more about the teachers. What's the weather like? Is he stomping away through leaves? Snow? How little can he see? What does his world look like as he runs away from her?
Obviously, you don't have to put all of these in, and you aren't limited just to these details, but they are to get you started. ^_^
Joined: Aug 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 14 Location: Here, School & Scotland Karma: 2
Re: IMOGEN ;; « Reply #5 on Oct 9, 2008, 11:46am »
Okay here we go i put the new bits in white
"No! give me them back please give me them back!" Jack jumped up trying to reach the glasses again and again each time he got any closer they were pulled higher. "Please! I can't see without them!" he yelled. But he knew it was no use. Jack was too small to reach. His scrawny appearnce was the reason they picked on him. Was it his fault that his dark brown hair went all over the place? Could he help it if the muddy fields that he had to walk over everyday made his normally white trainers black? No. well he didn't think so anyway.
The other kids jeers and cat calls rang through his ears making him angry. Then with no sudden warning tears started to pour from his eyes. Hot white tears. He stopped jumping and started to wipe them away with the grubby sleeve of his black, grubby jumper.
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